Forgive and…
You were going to say “forget”, weren’t you? Forgive and forget. Something you’ve no doubt heard by well-meaning people (perhaps even pastors) who tell you that you need to get over your problem and simply forget about it.
In my pastoral care class we had some great discussion on the true nature of forgiveness. The maxim, “forgive and forget” is not found in the Bible. It’s a classic case of taking a common bit of folk wisdom an projecting it on scripture. I’d like to share with you some of my class notes on forgiveness, taken from a lecture given by the Rev. Dr. Jody Clarke, Atlantic School of Theology.
“Forgive and Forget – as a platitude it compromises both the nature of forgiveness and the integrity of the mind’s capacity to remember. Besides, one of the first manifestations of a person’s resistances is that of masochistic self recrimination. (i.e. “I am so stupid.” “I don’t remember.”)
Forgive and Remember – this is also ripe with the trappings of self-defeating structure known as rationalization. With this maxim, the self says that he or she will forgive but reserves the right to hold a grudge. Also by remembering, the self is vowing never to allow the injury to occur again. As laudable as this is, it nonetheless points to the fact that the individual is still navigating life from a place of injury rather than clarity.
The new maxim, Engage the cracks and then allow the self to restructure itself. The interesting thing is that in truly engaging the cracks the self is changed – to forgive and forget to forgive and remember become mote points because the self decides that life is not to be lived as a victim, as a slave to the repressed machinations of the heart.”
Not as easy a saying to remember as “forgive and forget”, is it? But life isn’t about easy sayings that leave us with little comfort – sayings that are simply untrue. God does want us to forgive. Whether we forget the injury is immaterial – it’s about how we come away from the experience. Are you limping through life, or are you walking free? How would forgiveness bring healing into your life?
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July 26th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
I have my own views regarding this business of forgiveness and how the Church and other Christians are handling such situations when they are approached by these victims. And, here, I am assuming we are dealing with those who have been SERIOUSLY WOUNDED (such as in the case of sexual abuse). In many instances, those who have been so severely injured often become victims of mental illness, as well.
The Christian Church is adding very significantly to the agony of the mentally ill because of their insistence on “forgiving those who have harmed us”. While this goal should be gradually pursued by the Christian Church with the emotionally ill, Christians should not be immediately pouncing on the mentally ill for this response. Many of the mentally ill have suffered horrific injuries—almost unbearable ones—and hurts which will probably impact them for the rest of their lives! They are still trying to come to terms with the consequences of these injuries for them—in the past and in the future. To expect them to be able to forgive others at this stage in their lives is just as preposterous as thinking we can eat our chicken dinner at the same time it is roasting in the oven! The Church is treating these people with the trite attitude that might accompany millionaires if they had just had the living room window of their mansion broken! THESE DEVASTATED PEOPLE NEED THE PRECIOUS GIFT OF TIME! Even when working with children, church leaders need to explore with them the fact that it is easier for them to forgive their little friends for breaking their least-loved toy as opposed to damaging their favorite plaything or their pet dog.
Yes, the emotionally ill are very angry over their injuries—and they have every reason to be! But, unless people have chemical imbalances in their brain or have a brain injury, anger (or rage) is not an emotion which exists by itself; anger is a secondary emotion which is the result of a hurt or a loss. When the wounded have dealt with their hurts or losses, this rage is self-eliminating. We often hear of those who have just lost their spouses due to death; the hurting, remaining partner will often develop a terrible rage towards his/her loved one “for leaving them”. In this case, the anger is not even warranted; the spouse could not help the fact he/she became fatally ill! But, our emotions are not that logical! Yet, Christians willingly allow the grieving this luxury of rage because they recognize it as part of the grieving process. So, if those who lose loved ones can become enraged over their injury, how much more necessary is it for those who have been deeply (and often deliberately) injured by others’ negative actions towards them to be able to grieve their losses! At least, they have a logical reason for their rage!
Christians need to realize the mentally ill are already emotionally bankrupt, themselves, over their horrid injuries. They have nothing to give to those who have harmed them—at least, at the moment. When we are financially bankrupt, ourselves, we are not able to give any money to others, even if we desperately want to do so! However, once the wounded persons have recovered from some of their own emotionally impoverished state, then one of the steps to reconciliation and/or forgiveness lies in understanding the reason(s) the abusive person injured them in the first place. While “understanding” is not the same thing as forgiveness, it certainly goes a long way in enabling the victims to forgive those who hurt them. In fact, in many cases, they will even discover those who harmed them were actually “victims” themselves.
If Christians and the Church will not allow the emotionally injured to “process” their wounds properly before demanding “forgiveness” from them, these victims will be forced into denial, and the problem of unforgiveness will only be perpetuated. This causes further injury to the victims and creates a risk to others who form relationships with them in the future; this unresolved issue will spill over onto their newly-formed relationships, as well.
While it is fine and dandy to hope the injured will emerge from their traumas without continuing to feel as if they are “victims”, I do not think this is necessarily possible in all situations. As I said before, some wounded have had their entire lives impacted by these negative events—so their lives will never be normal and/or the same again! To some degree, this “being the victim” attitude may be a matter of choice for the wounded once they have recovered emotionally from their trauma, but the wronged persons are still being reminded on a daily basis of the consequences of their injuries because they have to continuously deal with their severely compromised quality of life. While they can put mental limitations on their feelings regarding “being victimized”, I think it is being very unrealistic to assume these people can totally discard their feelings of “being the victim” when they really are victims day after day after day. And, for those who have been abused from the time they were tiny children, they have no “point of reference”; they do not even know what it “feels like” to not be victimized, so this goal for them is totally elusive. Therefore, in the latter scenario, these wounded people literally do not have any ability “to choose” how they will think.